Year In Review

2005 is drawing to a close, and what a year it has been! If you are anything like me, I am thrilled for the opportunity of a new year. 2005 has been filled with so much tragedy and so much pain. It is almost overwhelming! From the Tsunami, to the hurricanes, to the earthquakes and to so much personal tragedy in so many lives, it feels as though it has just been one thing after another. If you are interested in hearing a good message about 2005 Fatigue, log on to www.tnl.org and click on the Tuesday link and scroll down to listen to last week's message. "Fatigue" by Dave Terpstra.

I pray that 2006 is a year of rest and peace for the world and for all of you. May this be a new beginning for us all.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Kristi

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I Hope you have the most wonderful, awe-filled and blessed Christmas. May we rejoice together as we remember the birth of our Savior! I am reminded today of my great need for our Savior! As we worship together today, may the Lord be high and lifted up! May all we do, say, sing and think glorify His name! May we be a generation who is sold out for His renown!
Merry Christmas!!
Kristi

Frantic Christmas

I just got home from attempting to go Christmas shopping. Between the honking, pushing, cussing and flipping people off for a parking space, came the beautiful melody of O Holy Night.... Christ is the Lord. What on earth is wrong with our culture? People are running around like complete idiots, pissed off at the world, while charging lavish gifts that they cannot afford. Yes, it is so evident... Jesus is the reason for the season? (Ha ha ha) It grieves me that Christmas has been lost and replaced with angry, rushed, stressed, debt filled chaos. I don't know about you, but it makes me want to stay home and not even participate in the insanity.

Merry Christmas! (or should I say Happy Holidays, I wouldn't want to offend anyone)

Grateful

Thank you to the many wonderful friends who are praying for me and my husband. We could not get through this storm without our community. I am really learning what it means to live life together. I am thankful for the opportunity to be real and honest about my life and to still be loved and cared for by so many! All I can say is I am grateful!

I need words

I need words as wide as the sky
I need a language as large as this longing inside
I need a voice bigger than mine
I need a song to sing You, that I've yet to find
I need You
I need You
I need You
I need You
To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me know

My black cloud has turned into a hurricane, and I don't know if I will survive!

Yes, I follow Christ, and I said shit on my blog!

God is in the shit

So, the black cloud has burst. My life has completely changed in the last 2 weeks. I am no longer going to work in the church. I have to say that I am hurt and I am angry. Why am I so different from the average always happy Christian? The church has got to be the most fake place I have ever been a part of. What makes us think that we all need to be perfect and have it all together? Where did we go wrong? We are supposed to be the communities that walk life with each other. Not the ones that hide who we really are from each other and the rest of the world!

I am no longer going to work in the church, because I was honest about the black cloud in my life. And of course, "if I don't have everything together, then there is NO WAY I should ever be allowed to lead others." Well, I think that is a load of CRAP!

I am different than the others. I am real about my life, and right now, my life is not great. There is shit that continues to fly at me daily, and I need the people in my life to know where I am and walk through this season of life with me.

You know, the funny thing is that I believe with all of my heart that we find God and get to know Him more in the midst of our shit. When we have nothing or no one else to lean on, He is there. I believe that He cares about our pain, my pain.

I am struck by the fact that God knows what it means to suffer. He knows what it means to be hated, to be judged, to be an outcast, to not be understood, to be wrongly accused, to have people that He loves betray Him, and to ultimately be killed.

Sometimes I forget that He knows and He cares.

I can only hope and pray that maybe someday the communities that call themselves followers of Christ will actually admit that they suffer with Christ. Maybe someday, we can accept that we are all screwed up and hurting and that we are all desperate for Christ. Maybe, just maybe we will get over our arrogance and pride and be real about who we really are.

Black Cloud

People always talk about a grey cloud that follows them around. Well, I am fortunate enough to be able to call mine a black cloud. I am really starting to comprehend the "Suffering with Christ" concept. Don't you wonder sometimes why God allows his people to suffer so much? How do we respond in these types of situations? Yesterday I had the thought that God must be trying to kill me. Then my husband reminded me, that is God wanted to kill me, He would not fail in His attempt.

You know when little kids play the poking game? They just keep poking you until you want to beat them. Well, that is the best analogy I can come up with today for my days of black clouds. I feel like God is poking on every area of my life, and eventually, I might go crazy!

The question I can't seem to answer in all of this madness is... how on earth to I respond to all of this crap that keeps flying my way? What do I even pray for at this point? How do I grow through this? How do I even survive this? I understood that following Christ would not be easy, but the hurricane that has become my life is way too overwhelming. Lord, please help me!

Junk

"...and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4

This verse has been so real to me over the past few months. I have come to the realization that life is not ever what we think it will or should be. If you are anything like me, we get caught up in the things of this world that wound us. And they are many! The funny thing about following Jesus, is that when we make that decision to surrender our lives and follow Him, we are in turn making the decision to join Him in His suffering. If you are truly trying to follow Christ, you may feel like an outcast from the world. I know I do. Sometimes, I even wonder why I do this at all. Maybe you have been there. If not, I am guessing you will find yourself there someday. Then, in the midst of my pain, my heart goes to the words that Paul writes to the Romans. Rejoice in our suffering, persevere, and that all of the pain and crap in our lives builds character, and that in turn produces hope. What a counter-cultural thought; to rejoice in our sufferings. I am in the midst of trying to really understand what that means and live it out in my life. It is a totally new way of thinking, it provides a completely different outlook on life, and as crazy as it may sound, it does provide a glimer of light in the midst of darkness. Maybe you are a Switchfoot fan, maybe you are not, but on their newest CD, there is a song called "The shadow proves the sunshine." If anything, I hope and pray that throughout this week that you will think about the verse in Romans. And that maybe God would reveal to you in the midst of the trials and the hard things in your life, that the shadow does prove the sunshine. It is an absolute honor and privilege to be on this journey with you!

Ned

This weekend, I helped lead a youth retreat up in the beautiful Rocky Mountains. A friend named Ned and I began talking about ministry, callings and passions. Ned, literally had me near tears as I realized that my passion for reaching younger generations for Christ has really been squelched lately. Ned pointed out to me that there are numerous similarities between our passions and our anger. My prayer for those of us who find ourselves involved in this conversation, is that we remember that even though we are hurt and somewhat angry with church at times, God has ignited us with passion and give us a calling to make a difference in the world and the church. Let's not give up!

He is all I have

You Lord Jesus are all I have in this world...and that is more than enough!

Significant Insignificance

This week, I turned 26 years old. Due to the sadness I have been feeling about my role in the body of Christ the last few months, I decided to spend my birthday alone with God just being who I was created to be. A worshipper. I was privileged to gather with others from my generation for a night of intimate, real, loud, worship. I was overcome with a feeling of loss at the fact that it has been way too long since this has been a top priority in my life. The hurt from too many negative church experiences has quenched my passion. As I was singing over and over "You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name." It came to me. I am really, really little, and God is really, really big! (Deep thoughts by Kristi) In other words, I am completely insignificant when you think of all that God has created. As that thought humbled me and honestly made me feel totally crappy about my sometimes prideful attitude towards todays church, it also reminded me that the only reason I will ever be significant is because God is significant, and even though He has made more than I can possibly even get my head around, He knows my name, He loves me more than I could ever imagine, and because of Him and the sacrifice of His son, I can enjoy and find rest in my significant insignificance.

www.268generation.com
www.christomlin.com

Sometimes there are just no words

I have been in one of those life phases, that I am so frustrated with the way things are in the church, that I don't even know what to say. Its getting to the point where I am questioning why I am a part of the church at all. It makes me so sad to think back. When I became a follower of Christ, I couldn't wait for an opportunity to go and be a part of a worship gathering. I was so hungry for it, that I would go to a gathering almost every day of the week. 5 years later, it is a struggle for me to go at all. It feels like a responsibility rather than a desire. The funny thing is, I miss worship. I miss spaces to just be me with God. I long even more today for a touch from His hand, yet I don't feel like I fit. I was telling my husband yesterday, I feel like my heart is round, and I am trying to fit it into the square that we call church. How long am I going to push and shove and struggle to make it fit? How long am I going to allow my heart to be deformed and misshapen from trying? A mentor of mine told me once that she feels like a refugee from the church. That statement continues to haunt me. Only today, I am feeling like I would rather be an evacuee. I am reading this book called "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell. I love it! But at the same time, I just cannot comprehend how we have screwed things up so badly. I am mad, sad, depressed, angry and confused. I am lost as to why God would create me like He has, with the heart I have. Sometimes I wish I didn't have this burning passion for the church to be different. It sure would make being a "Christian" easier.

The hardest part of it all, is that I know there are many more like me. There is a whole generation of believers that are feeling this burden. Do we just fall away from the church? How do we respond to the hearts God has given us as a generation.

What is even the point of it all? Are we really honoring Christ? Are we lifting high His name? Is He glorified by our shows? Does He smile when we spend $65,000 to rent a space for a single gathering? There has to be more than this....

James and Jake

In the midst of life's insanity, and the deep sadness I still feel for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, there is a light that shines in the darkness! I woke up tired and unmotivated to do anything this morning. But as I turned on my daily dose of Katie Couric and Matt Lauer, I found hope and a renewed sense of joy. A sweet, old, blind man named James lost everything in the Hurricane. Including his guide dog Jake. He was rescued and taken to Houston, TX, where he never lost hope that his best friend Jake would survive. Over 2 weeks later, that national guard searched James' home, where they found Jake just waiting for James to return. They flew Jake to Houston where he was re-united with his owner. As I sat and watched this sweet man with his dog talk about how they have survived and the hope that he has, I was lifted to a better place. He spoke of how the local pastor and churches have helped him find a home, a job and all new clothes. That is our call as people who follow Christ. We should not take it lightly, as we are the hands and feet of the Savior of the world!

Family

This has been an eye-opening week for Nick and I. It began last Friday as I picked up my 90 year old great uncle at the airport. I had not seen him in 12 years. I was overcome by the blessing of family as I spent time with him last weekend. We were able to gather as a family for dinner at my grandma's house. I mentioned to Uncle Buddy that Nick and I enjoyed ballroom dancing. His face lit up! The rest of the evening was spent learning to tango with my great uncle. That hour was absolutely priceless to me! I have such a renewed joy in family.

The next evening we were able to have a dinner party with Nick's whole family. I was not looking forward to it, but it ended up being a similarly, wonderful experience, just like the night before. I was able to connect with my new family in great, new ways. I felt so blessed as I hugged each family member and said "goodnight."

2 days later, we got the phone call that Grandpa Brad had died unexpectantly. What a gift that we were able to spend one of his last nights with him.

A reminder for us all... We often take family for granted, and we should cherish every moment that we have with those closest to us. God has blessed us immensely with family, and we should be eternally grateful for the time that we have with them.

Prayer for Hurricane Victims

Please join me this Sunday from 12:00-1:30pm at Cherry Hills Community Church in room 173 for an intimate prayer/worship gathering. If you are feeling anything like me, you feel totally helpless. The images are unimaginable. We are a nation desperate for God. I believe there is power in prayer and I ask you to join me. We will be taking an offering to send to the Hurricane stricken areas.

Why doesn't anyone care?

It is hard to work with students. It is difficult to be a young person in the church. Today I just feel like no one cares. If we just quit doing student ministry, would anyone else on staff even notice? Would they even care? I guess I am biased, but I so believe in my generation. I believe that we can make a difference. I believe that we can be a vital part of the body of Christ. Would someone please just give us a chance? Why doesn't the church value young people? Why would you not pour out your life to mentor and love on teenagers? They are our future! They have such passion and amazing gifts! Sometimes I get so frustrated I just want to quit. But today, I am just so damn hurt that the church de-values students like they do, and in turn de-values the work and hearts of those who love and advocate for them. Lord, please give us the strength to perservere and make a difference. May you be glorified in this conversation.

International Justice Mission

I had a meeting last week with Bethany who works at Internation Justice Mission (IJM). I was overcome with what is going on in our world and how the church of Jesus Christ needs to step up! There is so much injustice all around the world. I wholeheartedly believe that we as the body of Christ need to be educated about these things and take action. Please visit www.ijm.org for more info!

AHHHHH! Somtimes I can't stand church!!!!!!

Today was just one of those days. Normally, I try really hard to check my attitude about church at the door when I walk into a service. Especially a service that is just not me. But today, I couldn't hang! I walked in to the hyped up show, and my heart just sank. I get SO angry! I really can't stand church a lot of the time. Here, I come off of this beautiful weekend of intimate worship with fellow followers of Christ, and then I walk into this circus of a mega church. It was almost comical to me, as I could not stand it anymore, I got up and left. At the same time, 3 of my other, young friends got up and left the service too. We were all feeling the exact same way. I feel badly about my negative attitude, but at the same time, I truly feel like this way of "doing church" is not right. In fact, it makes me crazy! How can you not involve the younger generation at all? How can you play the latest, hip Christian music and screw it up so badly? Why has worshipping God become strictly entertainment to satisfy the masses? I am so sick of this that it makes me nauseous! It makes me contemplate just not doing the church thing anymore. It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stupid!!!

Sacred space

Here are two images from the prayer chapel we had available to the leaders at the Willow Creek Leadership Summit. Enjoy!

Experiencing God

The last two days have been spent creating and providing space for nearly 1000 church leaders to encounter Christ. It is so evident to me how badly each of us need this space, and often! It is funny to me when people criticize a more traditional church environment, or a space some may label "emergent." All you have to do is walk into a space like this, stand back, and observe people being themselves before God. I love quiet, candle lit, intimate worship. There is just nothing like it! Sure, there is always a time for celebratory, loud, fun worship. I am all for it! However, when the psalmist writes "Be quiet, be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46. WOW, there is so much truth in that. In our fast paced, busy lives, how often do we honestly lay all of the distractions aside and just hang out in the presence of our Maker?

Question... When was the last time it was just you and God?

Why Can't I Just Be Me? Part 1

The darkness surrounds me. Where do you find the light when the darkness surrounds you? The worst part is that the church can be so judgemental and cruel that none of us can be honest about who we are and what is really going on. We all talk about being real and being authentic, and I believe that is our desire. But is it possible? WOW, if we were just able to put down the masks, can you imagine the healing that might come? If you really think about it, do you really believe that other Christ followers don't struggle? YEAH RIGHT! Maybe they are just better at hiding it than me.

Read Psalm 88

Thoughts to come...

Here are the writings I am tossing around in my head and will be appearing on this blog over the next few weeks...

"Haircuts"- John 15

"Why Can't I just be me?"- The church is not a safe place to be real about who we really are

"I find Christ in my Honda"- Heartbreak over the lack of opportunities to worship with reckless abandon

"My disreguard of God's Word"- my lack of respect, awe, fear, and reverance for the Living Word of God that sits on my nightstand, on my desk, on my coffee table and in my car.

"Communion/ Eucharist"- Thoughts on denominational doctorine that prevents Christ followers from being able to experience the Lord's Supper together.

"Prebythodistutheranaptistocastalic"- Can't I just follow Jesus? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Need I say more???

Muted Light

I was reading a novel last night, and stumbled across a phrase that really struck me. Muted light. I have never heard it said like that. I immediatley saw the connection to my life, and what I am experiencing this week. Today is day 8 of a migraine for me and now a deep sense of depression. I can't stand it that I get to this place every few months. It makes me laugh, because a lot of what I do is talk to people who struggle with depression and try to encourage them. (ironic huh?) Then, I spend my time trying to figure out how to most effecticely communicate hope to the masses. The hope of Christ that is. Why then does it not translate to my own heart?

Christ says in Matthew 5:14 that "You are the Light of the World. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on a stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father who is in Heaven."

So, I am the light of the world, right? I should be reflecting the Light of Christ. The Light of the World! Why then has my light become muted? It is still there. I know that. But why does it not shine brightly today?

Remember the little kids song that we all learned in 2 year old Sunday school class? "This little light of mine. I'm going to let it shine...." The more I think about that song, the more it makes me mad. Did the author of that song read what Jesus said in Matthew 5? It is NOT a little light. It is the light of the world!!! We are called to be that city on a hill that shines so bright in a world that is so dark.

Question for today... How do we keep our light on its stand for the whole world to see and not let the darkness of the world cause it to be muted?

Early Morning Thoughts

I am on day 5 of having a migraine, and my brain is so blurry now that it is hard to tell what I am really feeling or thinking. I have had multiple conversations in the last two days that have promted lots of thought on things. Is my hope and dream for a church just to be bigger and better than everyone else? If so, is that what Christ cares about? I would think not. I have so many thoughts and emotions about church that it is hard to make sense of it all. How would I make things different? Could God really use me at all? Is there even hope?

Question for the day...
What would your ideal church look like?

This kid named Christian

Today was an interesting day. I am really wrestling inside. Nick and I were checking the mail and saw an advertisement for a desk for sale for $10. Being newlyweds, a $10 desk is just our style :) So, we called the lady, went right over and started hauling the desk from building 9 to building 10. In the midst of the move, a 9 year old boy named Christian appeared out of nowhere and asked us if he could help? We were taken a back, as most 9 year olds are not on their own in the middle of the day, and most 9 year olds dont normally offer to help adults carrying heavy furniture. So, Christian came along to help. No parents in sight. It was obvious that Christian just needed someone to listen to him and recognize that he was alive and there. After our project was done, we invited Christian to have a popsicle with us. (As it is 102 degrees today) We thanked him and tried to say goodbye, but he just wanted to tell us all about his life. Turns out, he did not even live in our building. He was just wandering around today hoping that someone would pay attention to him. My heart hurts. How many of us are like that kid named Christian? How many of us Christians are like that kid named Christian? Where is the community? Where are the leaders (parents, pastors) We all just want to be loved. Isn't that the message of Christ? What are we going to do about it?
Hmm...
Song for thought- "He is the Love" David Crowder- All I Can Say

Links to good music

www.davidcrowderband.com

www.nickcarletonband.com

www.christomlin.com

www.delirious.co.uk

www.foolishthings.com

www.joshholloran.net

www.desperationband.com

Resources for those on the journey

Check out these sites...

www.sacramentis.com (Sally Morgenthaler's site)

www.theooze.com

www.emergentvillage.com

www.tnl.org (The Next Level Church in Denver, CO)

www.jonnybaker.blogs.com (Alternative Worship Movement in the UK)

www.vintagefaith.com (Dan Kimball's site)

Re-thinking Church

A Forgotten Generation...

July 4, 2000 was an unforgetable day in my life. I had spent the previous 20 years trying to control my own life and my own future. When all of that came crashing in on my head, I felt like there was nothing left but pieces of my broken heart scattered on the floor. I walked into a place called the Next Level Church, and my life has never been the same. It has been 5 years now that I have been a follower of Christ, and I am still trying to figure out exactly what that means. Sometimes I cannot even sleep at night, because I don't feel like I fit in with this thing we call church. I "go to" church, I "work" at a church, but what is "church?" and why do we "do" church?

My heart is deeply saddened by the confusion. Here I am, I am 25 years old, and I love Christ with all that I am. I try every day to honor and glorify Him with my whole life. I feel as though God has given me specific gifts to use for Him. Then I "go" to church, and there are thousands of people with money, all dressed up and they seem to be doing the same thing every week. They show up, they do the "church thing" and then they go home. It feels fake to me. REALLY FAKE!

Then, I sit, and I read God's Word. The two seem to contradict each other. I am confused! I feel as though I have had a pretty eclectic experience with church, and for that I am grateful. But, now I am left wondering, what is the point of it all? Is this what Christ intended? What is my role in the body of Christ? Where can I use my gifts? Do I really have gifts? Why is my generation so disconnected from church? Will that ever change? Am I abnormal? What is normal anyways? Could God use me to change this thing called church?

SO MANY QUESTIONS! SO MANY DREAMS! SO MANY DISAPPOINTMENTS!

I hope that this blog can be a place for me to think and share my questions, dreams and disappointments, and invoke authentic conversation with others who want to re-think church as well.