I have been in one of those life phases, that I am so frustrated with the way things are in the church, that I don't even know what to say. Its getting to the point where I am questioning why I am a part of the church at all. It makes me so sad to think back. When I became a follower of Christ, I couldn't wait for an opportunity to go and be a part of a worship gathering. I was so hungry for it, that I would go to a gathering almost every day of the week. 5 years later, it is a struggle for me to go at all. It feels like a responsibility rather than a desire. The funny thing is, I miss worship. I miss spaces to just be me with God. I long even more today for a touch from His hand, yet I don't feel like I fit. I was telling my husband yesterday, I feel like my heart is round, and I am trying to fit it into the square that we call church. How long am I going to push and shove and struggle to make it fit? How long am I going to allow my heart to be deformed and misshapen from trying? A mentor of mine told me once that she feels like a refugee from the church. That statement continues to haunt me. Only today, I am feeling like I would rather be an evacuee. I am reading this book called "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell. I love it! But at the same time, I just cannot comprehend how we have screwed things up so badly. I am mad, sad, depressed, angry and confused. I am lost as to why God would create me like He has, with the heart I have. Sometimes I wish I didn't have this burning passion for the church to be different. It sure would make being a "Christian" easier.
The hardest part of it all, is that I know there are many more like me. There is a whole generation of believers that are feeling this burden. Do we just fall away from the church? How do we respond to the hearts God has given us as a generation.
What is even the point of it all? Are we really honoring Christ? Are we lifting high His name? Is He glorified by our shows? Does He smile when we spend $65,000 to rent a space for a single gathering? There has to be more than this....
