Celebrating a year of the blog...

Friends,
It has been a year of blogging fun. Just for kicks... The 1st entry ever...

Re-thinking Church

A Forgotten Generation...

July 4, 2000 was an unforgetable day in my life. I had spent the previous 20 years trying to control my own life and my own future. When all of that came crashing in on my head, I felt like there was nothing left but pieces of my broken heart scattered on the floor. I walked into a place called the Next Level Church, and my life has never been the same. It has been 5 years now that I have been a follower of Christ, and I am still trying to figure out exactly what that means. Sometimes I cannot even sleep at night, because I don't feel like I fit in with this thing we call church. I "go to" church, I "work" at a church, but what is "church?" and why do we "do" church?

My heart is deeply saddened by the confusion. Here I am, I am 25 years old, and I love Christ with all that I am. I try every day to honor and glorify Him with my whole life. I feel as though God has given me specific gifts to use for Him. Then I "go" to church, and there are thousands of people with money, all dressed up and they seem to be doing the same thing every week. They show up, they do the "church thing" and then they go home. It feels fake to me. REALLY FAKE!

Then, I sit, and I read God's Word. The two seem to contradict each other. I am confused! I feel as though I have had a pretty eclectic experience with church, and for that I am grateful. But, now I am left wondering, what is the point of it all? Is this what Christ intended? What is my role in the body of Christ? Where can I use my gifts? Do I really have gifts? Why is my generation so disconnected from church? Will that ever change? Am I abnormal? What is normal anyways? Could God use me to change this thing called church?

SO MANY QUESTIONS! SO MANY DREAMS! SO MANY DISAPPOINTMENTS!

I hope that this blog can be a place for me to think and share my questions, dreams and disappointments, and invoke authentic conversation with others who want to re-think church as well.

Hater Jesus

Today was a day for the history books! Myspace.com Now has over 100 million members! As someone who watches the news too regularly, I stumbled across quite the interview tonight on MSNBC. Basically, these 4 people were yelling at each other about Jesus and what is disrespectful to Jesus. It was actually quite comical! If you are a myspacer, then you know that everything bad that is happening in the world is myspace.com's fault! (Ha ha ha) Well today's myspace atrocity is that they support people who hate Jesus! Amidst all the yelling and name calling on my TV, I thought I might as well log on. Once again, I had to see for myself what all the fuss is about...

www.myspace.com/haterjesus

Supposedly this guy has more friends than the population of the world! WOW! How did he do that? He is more popular than Tom!? This black and red page is designed as a place for people to express their hate of life, the world, politics, religion, and yes...JESUS! I find it hilarious that his top 8 friends (Bitches) include Paris Hilton, Tom Cruise, Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Nick Lachey, Denise Richards and the Olsen Twins. Quite the Hollywood endorsement!

I am actually disappointed in the sight though. I thought for sure it would be more offensive and off the wall. It is actually a rather boring myspace if you ask me. Lots of comments from people expressing what they hate...blah, blah, blah!

What saddens me about this site is the song clip that is posted just above the picture of Madonna performing as if she is hanging on the cross. The song is a lovely, hymn like, tune that non-chilantly tells of how if you mess up or "sin" that God is going to Fu*k you up! Over and over it repeats these "sin" scenarios and the conclusion is always the same... God is going to Fu*k you up! Then, Hater Jesus quotes a scripture..."At midnight the Lord struck down all the first born in Egypt, from the first born of Pharaoh, who sat on the throne, to the first born of the prisoner, who was in the dungeon, and the first born of all the livestock as well. Pharaoh and all his officials and all the Egyptians got up during the night, and there was loud wailing in Egypt, for there was not a house without someone dead."
Exodus 12:29-30.

Hater Jesus then goes on to post this statement...
"Does God hate anyone? The answer is YES!"
"Dedicated to all those who hate in the name of Jesus!"

Hmmmm...Hate and rebellion seem to be the theme here.

I guess from the outside and from looking at verses such as Exodus, you might conclude that the God of Jesus is a hater. But what screams out to me about all of this debate is that only someone as radical and crazy as Jesus Christ would still be causing this much debate and controversy 2000+ years after walking on the earth. I love it!

At the same time, my heart breaks for all of these myspace proclaimed haters. I truly believe that hate comes from not knowing the truth and our own insecurities. I know that is true in my case!

I don't know why God chose to reveal his heart to me. I don't know if I ever will. I surely do NOT deserve it! I MOST definitely do not have it all together! I am a sinner like the best of em. But, I have been forgiven. I don't understand the forgiveness, but my life has been changed, and NO one can deny that!

Christians are imperfect, hypocritical people! Religion has screwed too many people! So called "Christ Followers" make use of their Wednesday evening by fighting and judging each other on cable news networks.

But...Jesus has not changed. He is still the perfect, Holy, Sinless God that he has always been and always will be. And, although I suck a lot of the time, all I can say is that I love God, I want to be like Him, I am trying, and I fail a lot. But, for some reason, He loves me just the same.

I hope for Hater Jesus that he continues to explore these thoughts and be a part of the conversation. And, I hope that someday he will realize that God is not here to Fu*k him up for everything he does wrong! That sure would be a scary and awful way to live!

To all of you fellow myspacers... Congrats on a historic day, and giving prime time TV something to talk about!

I love being a part of the conversation!

Praise in the Park!

I thought I would finally go and see what all the fuss was about. Each summer I see advertisements for "Praise in the Park." Now that I live up north, today was the prime opportunity for me to do some praisin in the park of my own. I pulled up amongst hundreds of cars with the fish eating the Darwin symbol on the back, and the hundreds of people all dressed up in their finest Christian T-shirts. 2 1/2 songs into this show... I had my purse and my lawn chair packed up and was walking to my car in absolute disgust. I was somewhat questioning whether or not I was even a "Christian." I literally left feeling, angry, depressed and completely alone. It is not my place to judge these people at all. I hope that all 1000+ of them love God and serve Him. But it is NOT me! None of it is me! In my eyes, it is all a stupid, superficial show!

There was a tent where I could register to win a free "Blessing Pack" complete with a Praise in the Park T-shirt, cup and free Rockies tickets! WOO HOOO!!!! (I felt so blessed!) Then... Pastor Blah Blah Blah from the stage told me that he and Pastor Blah Blah Blah the 2nd had not blessed the publications that were being handed out to the crowd of crazy Christians. (Too bad the flyer that was handed to me was the only part of the event that I agreed with. It was an invitation to mentor troubled youth at a place called the "Matthew House.") I guess I won't volunteer there though, since Pastor Blah Blah Blah did not personally bless that flyer!

Then, there was the prayer tent, where the shiny, happy people wearing rainbow t-shirts were ready to pray with me over my sin and brokenness! WOO HOOOO!!!! I have been waiting all my life for such a tent!

Amidst the flag waving, jumping up and down, rainbow t-shirt wearing "praise", I felt totally lost and totally alone! I am thinking of starting a support group called the "All American Church Rejects!" I could be the President!

As I was walking through the crowd on my way out, I was astonished by the lack of enthusiasm in the "Worshippers." I actually walked by a woman standing alone, stooped over kindof mouthing the words to "My Redeemer Lives" while frowning. Hmmm... I am confused! I am somewhat excited that my Redeemer Lives!

I guess my whole complaint about today's Christian culture events is that they are all "us" focused! I can't imagine that one of those people there were NOT believers (although Pastor Blah Blah Blah made sure to ask that the believers in the crowd raise their hands! AHHHHHHH!!!!) What is the point of events such as this? Guaranteed that event cost $20,000+. And what is the fruit from such an event? I could not stand to be there as a believer. If I had brought one of my non-believing friends, they would have run away and never spoken to me again.

I don't know, I guess my heart just hurts. I feel like a refugee from the church who still loves Christ and loves His people. I feel like my relationship with God is just totally different than everyone else's. I just don't fit in. Now the question is why? Why did God make me like this? Or, did he not make me like this, and I am just a judgmental, angry person? I guess that is TBD. I am going to embark in a journey of prayer to search my heart and the heart of God for the answer to that question.

If any of you out there feel at all like I do, please share your story and your wisdom. What do we do? How does God want to use us?

No wonder I can't sleep :)